A couple of months ago, just before I headed off on my first transatlantic adventure, I was talking to a friend about how it felt like I was on the cusp of fulfilling an old, childhood dream. When I was ten or eleven years old, I told her, I was really into this series of books set on a horse ranch in Colorado. If someone had asked me back then where I would go if I could go anywhere in the world I would have said a ranch like that one, in Colorado, or Wyoming, or Montana. Now, over twenty years later, and by luck more than design, I was flying out to Denver to travel through those same three states and stay on a ranch. My friend was super excited for me. “Little Jess would be so happy!” she said. “Wouldn’t a time travelling postbox be lovely right now? You could send yourself a postcard. Imagine the look of wonder on mini Jess’s face!” I could imagine! I remembered how it felt to be eleven, and knew that I would have been so, so unbelievably excited to hear what I was about to do. Thinking about it, I realised I had a lot of other things I wanted to tell myself. So, after I got back, I wrote that letter to my pre-teen self.
Dear little Jess,
It’s hard to know where to begin. I know you have a lot of questions. So I guess we should start with the bad news: I don’t have all the answers. Not even after all this time. You think that grown-ups know everything. It turns out we don’t. We’re all just making it up as we go along, trying to learn from our past experiences, and passing on the lessons we think are useful. That doesn’t mean that we know any better than you do. So first off: trust your instincts, make your own choices. You’re smarter than you realise.
To you, the future still seems vague and far away. The school year seems long, and the thought of actually finishing school and being ready to move out into the big, wide world on your own is almost inconceivable. But finish you will, and sooner than you think. Time flows much faster than you can appreciate, and before you know it you will have walked the meandering path that I followed to get here, to reach this moment. Me – you – now.
So the good news is: you’re going to make it! You will reach this point, and you will do so much along the way. You will fulfil (at least some of) your dreams, and do so many more things that you’re yet to even imagine. I know that right now you dream of riding horses on a ranch in the Rocky Mountains. Well, guess what? You will! You’ll go to Colorado, and Wyoming, and Montana, and you’ll ride horses and herd cattle, climb mountains and see more stars in the sky than you’ve ever seen before. You’ll see ospreys and flocks of wild turkeys, herds of elk and fields full of prairie dogs. It will be everything you’re dreaming of and so much more, because you’ll do it hand-in-hand with someone you love dearly and who loves you right back.
That’s right, you will find Love! Although be warned: Love is not what you think it is. It’s not the page in the back of your school planner decorated with doodles of hearts and flowers where you write the names of your favourite singers, and footballers, and friends. The contents of that page will change a lot before you leave school. But that’s ok, you’re still working out what you like and what you don’t like. Take your time on this, and don’t let anyone else influence your choices.
Love, though, the kind that you fall into, is something else entirely. It’s so much more complicated than you think. For a start, it’s not just one emotion; it’s everything, all of your feelings, all balled up together. Sometimes it will make you feel like you can fly, but there will be times when it causes you pain, too. Don’t worry, that’s all part of it. You will navigate your way through those feelings and come out the other side knowing more about love, and about yourself, and about the world.
The world, by the way, is not really as big as you think it is. Before you get to America, you’re going to go to all of those other countries you’ve read and dreamt about: you’ll take a boat across the Aegean sea, you’ll explore the souks of Marrakech, you’ll stand before the Taj Mahal, and you’ll climb the Great Wall of China. You can go anywhere you want. In a few years’ time you’ll write a geography paper on the isle of Arran and for some reason that will captivate your imagination almost as much as these world wonders. And then, some years later, you’ll go to Arran, too. Many, many times. The world really isn’t all that big. You will get to see a lot of it.
That said, the world is also much bigger than you think. There are so, so, so many people out there! Right now, school is more or less the limit of your social world, and you think it’s important to be liked by your peers. But you’re going to meet hundreds, thousands, of fascinating people in your life. Plenty of them will like you for who you are.
Of course, you’re lucky to have an amazing group of friends at school with you. Some of them are still your friends now, more than twenty years later. Others are not. The friends who stay close and the ones who don’t aren’t the people you might guess.
Friends will always be really important to you, but there will be times in your life when maintaining those friendships takes effort. Make the effort! Adult life is not usually centred around friendship the way that yours is, and sometimes you will have to consciously make time and energy for those relationships. They are worth it.
Speaking of time: use it wisely. Stop straightening your hair. This is a colossal waste of time; it’s practically straight already. Don’t bother with makeup. You look better without it, and everyone who means anything to you agrees. In all else, just slow down. Take the time to enjoy your morning shower, to notice the feel of the sun on your skin when you step out, to really taste your food when you eat it. These things, when you learn to pay attention to them, will bring you so much pleasure.
Time is short, but life is not a race. You are not falling behind if you choose to take the scenic route. My advice is to always take the scenic route – it’s much more pleasant! Take chances. Don’t be afraid of failure. And if you ever get the feeling that you’re heading in the wrong direction, know that it’s ok to change course.
Keep reading. Keep writing. Keep learning languages. These things will take you places.
And finally, one last, concrete piece of advice: in 2015, when a very tall friend-of-a-friend invites you over for dinner – go! Do not cancel! He’s important. You need him in your life, and the sooner the better. Trust me on this. Trust me on all of this.
Take it easy,
(Big?) Jess x
